Hey Stoopid! Zine's Interview with Chris, Ted & Eben

Interview with Chris, Ted and Eben

B: please state your full name and occupation.

C: I'm Chris Conley and I sing in saves the day

B: do you have a side job?

C: absolutely not

B: so you're a slacker?

C: no I'm in a band

B: do you go to school?

C: I went to college last year and now I do the band full time

E: my name is Eben D'amico and my occupation is bass player in saves the day.

B: anything else?

E: I'd like to give a shout out to submarines.

B: yellow ones?

E: no just regular submarines.

B: they can be any color?

E: any damn color just submarines in general.

B: with a periscope?

E: they can have a periscope if you want. They don't have to have one.

C: as long as they play our music on the boats.

B: ok. And you my fine friend?

T: my name is Y Ted K. I play guitar and I have 2 occupations. One being playing the geetar. And the other being taking care of el pacas.

C: el pacas are like Peruvian mountain goats. And my girlfriend's mom owns an el paca business and ted like grooms them and shit.

B: ok

C: no he seriously does.

B: are they like llamas?

C: they look a lot like llamas.

B: I like llamas.

E: they're small though.

C: yeah they are nicer and smaller than llamas. llamas are mean. They spit on you.

B: no that's camels

C: oh yeah.

T: well el pacas spit so I would imagine that llamas spit too since they are related.

B: alright. Considering the pokemon movie just came out. What are your views on pokemon?

C: I have no idea what it is but I am assuming its like a drug.

E: I have a little something to say about pokemon.

B: go ahead.

E: I had that game for gameboy.

B: the blue or the red?

E: the blue. It sucked! I played that crap for days on end. And I got a whole bunch of pokemon. And then the next time I fuckin picked up the game boy my game got erased. I had a whole bunch of pokemon and now they're gone. That game sucked anyway so its a good point.

B: but what about the movie?

E: I was actually thinking about seeing it today but I didn't want my band to laugh at me.

C: lets go see it tomorrow.

E: ok

C: yeah we're gonna see it tomorrow.

B: [to ted] do you have any views on pokemon?

T: well I have a lot of views on pokemon.

B: would you care to share them?

[chris hits something off the table]

C: sorry I'm getting excited.

T: as I was saying before I have a lot of views on pokemon. But none that I really feel like sharing. I like to keep them to myself. They are very personal.

B: personal views on pokemon. Ok. So where do you like playing more? Like east, west, midwest?

C: we like the east and the west.

B: you don't like the middle.

C: we hate the middle.

B: why?

T: its flat.

C: we've played a lot of shows in the middle. And the landscape is terrible. Actually I like it a lot because you can see for miles but we played 2 dates in Texas this summer. A combined total of like 30 people at both shows. It was horrible. They were in Austin and Houston.

T: both in houses.

C: terrible. The worst shows ever.

B: I'm sorry.

C: its ok.

T: I'm glad that you're sorry though.

C: yeah I'm glad you're sorry too.

B: ok so how'd you get hooked up with equal vision? Because its like a mainly hardcore label.

C: our old bass player had a band called hands tied on equal vision. And so they knew about our band and they called Sean, who was our ex bass player, and they liked us, and came to see us play so they signed us. And it worked out cuz we love them.

B: so you play with crazy hardcore bands, do you ever get beat up or anything?

C: no, but we used to get mocked a lot. But not anymore.

T: we played this show in Florida and there were a bunch of skinheads there and they were hurting people.

E: yeah they got in a fight during out set.

C: I was playing the acoustic song, three miles down, and they just started killing people. I was looking off to the side?ñ

B: people were dead?

E: they killed people during three miles down?ñ

C: three people died. I looked off to my side and there were pool cues or sticks or whatever raised in the air. A chair was raised in the air and came down and broke on someone's face.

T: I'd like to state for the record though. You asked earlier about us hooking up with equal vision records. We are good friends with equal vision records, but we never hooked up with them we don't find that appropriate, you know.

E: we're just friends.

C: I think they're too fat, that's all.

B: so you said the van was dirty.

C: very dirty.

B: do you love the van though?

C: love the van.

B: cuz It's your home.

C: but ted pissed on the seat.

T: it was my day to do it. And tomorrow chris gets to piss on the seat.

E: and I get to piss the next day.

C: I wet the bed in the back once but don't tell anybody.

B: so who's vegan?

C: we're all vegan, except Eben.

T: no but Dave our guitarist isn't either.

C: yeah Dave too. So Dave and Eben aren't.

T: yes but three would be far from all of us my dear.

C: no but its not far. Its three fifths. Majority.

T: yeah but majority isn't all of us.

B: how long have you been vegan.

C: two years maybe. Two and a half years. No it couldn't be.

B: and you?

T: probably 4 years.

C: a year and a half.

B: were you veggie before?

C: yeah I was a vegetarian for like 4 years before.

B: and then you just what?

C: there are a lot of things I didn't think about before that were brought to my attention. And it made me think a lot. I mean I don't want to get into details because I could go on for hours.

B: so what's the hardest thing not to eat?

C: cheese pizza. And even though I never ate them before when I was a meat eater, cheeseburgers seem so appealing right now. But cheese pizza is like... I love cheese pizza.

T: I'd like to say that I really miss the meat chewing tobacco that Eben gets cuz that was like all he used to eat.

C: yeah pork rinds. Like with the skin attached.

E: We saw a lot of that in the south.

T: I miss eating tripe too.

C: yeah tripe.

B: what's tripe?

T: pig intestines.

B: ew

T: c'mon you used to be a meat eater. Every good meat eater loves their tripe. Isn't that right?

E: I love tripe.

T: and the boar turned and ran.

C: wizard talk. These guys are into magic.

B: the gathering?

C: yeah.

E: the seventeenth level fullated cast the fireball spell

T: I roll the 8 sided die to use my charmed long staff. I have a faco of -10 so I should have a good ratio.

E: a thief chooses to pick the lock of the treasure chest. And receives the orb of the spirits.

T: you receive 400 head points and maximum experience.

E: ward rolls the 12 sided die.

C: you guys are out of control.

B: what is this?

C: magic talk, magic talk.

T: could you guys please try to scrap the whole interview and don't leave anything out?

B: I think some words might be hard to spell.

T: its ok, you guys can take your time.

B: yeah it will be good. So what's your favorite food?

C: my favorite food is, well my mom makes these amazing peanut noodles. And I throw some fake bacos on there, its so good. I really like fake turkey slices, the fake chicken nuggets are really good. I like anything from vegetarian paradise in the city, NYC, anything from angelica's in NYC, and anything from Kate's in NYC.

E: my favorite foods are ribs with bbq sauce all over ?´em and I also really like pasta cuz I'm an italian boy. And believe it or not I also kind of like some of that vegan crap that ted and chris eat. Ted makes really good macaroni and cheese.

T: I make it from scratch.

C: with flour and water and margarine and nutritional yeast and soy sauce and all this wonderful stuff.

B: I want some.

C: its so good its unbelievable. I'm actually really hungry right now.

T: I'd like to state for the record that my favorite food was the chewable meat, the meat chewing tobacco, that I used to eat.

C: you already said that.

T: no it was, it was my favorite, but now since I gave it up, I haven't been able to find a favorite food that measures up to it.

E: and now I like to chew pokemon.

T: I tried chewing handfuls of bacos but it didn't work.

B: do you know the dead baby jokes? [to Eben] I told you the dead baby jokes.

E: yeah you told me all of them.

B: do you think they are appropriate? I was gonna ask what you think about dead babies..

E: you know what? its your interview, I just want you to state your opinion..

B: well dead babies are really fun, we did this report on dead babies and people really hate us now. We tried to tell them about dead babies but they were like 'we hate dead babies' so we don't really know how we feel about dead babies anymore.

E: well if you have anything to say about dead babies I just want you to put it out. Put it out on the table.

T: I know a joke about dead babies.

E: I just want you to know that there are no secrets at this table. Anything you need to put out in the open, even if its about dead babies I just want you to put it out into the open. There are no secrets here.

C: you're kidding me. You guys are out of control.

S: would you ever hit it with a dead baby?

T: would I what?

S: hit it with a dead baby.

T: hit what with a dead baby? The things already dead, what do you need to hit it with? I don't understand that sort of stuff. I know a joke about dead babies.

B: ok.

T: What's better than winning the gold medal in the special olympics?

C: oh no.

B: what?

T: not being retarded.

C: no one understood it. Now everyone hates us.

E: hey guys wanna hear a joke?

B: ok go.

E: what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

T: what?

E: nothin, cuz you already told her twice.

C: ok wait, this is getting out of control. This is out of hand.

T: how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? I shouldn't tell this joke. I'll strike it from the record. Well I don't believe in the joke. Its just something someone told me once.

B: then just go.

T: ok how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

B: you already said this part.

T: 2, one to do it. And one to suck my dick!

C: you're fucking out of control. Honestly, you guys are banned from the rest of the interview.

T: can you not put that joke in the interview please?

B: no we won't. people will hate you.

E: I just want you to know that everybody in saves the day have great respect for the female animal. And we all love our respective girlfriends very much.

C: I love my girlfriend so much.

B: yeah I heard you all have girlfriends.

T: except for me. Which is why I'm the biggest asshole here, isn't it?

C: ted's the only single one.

T: I'm trying to put on my most charming side by telling offensive jokes.

C: David says he's single but he's not .

B: who's David?

C: David is our guitar player. The other one.

E: the gay one.

C: he's not gay though.

E: he's the tall muscle-y stringy looking one.

B: he is so skinny.

C: I wanna be that skinny.

E: Dave is the pretty one. Me ted and chris are the other ones.

T: we're the rejects.

E: Bryan is the hot one.

C: Bryan's hot.

E: and I look like a retarded hick.

B: in the new cd, there is that whole story about him getting the girl, is that true?

C: who Dave? Absolutely not.

B: in real life?

C: no Dave doesn't get all the girls in real life.

B: he's the skinny one?

C: yeah well Bryan and Dave are equally as skinny.

E: Dave's the pretty one, Bryan's the hot one.

C: Bryan's the drummer.

E: me ted and chris are the other ones.

C: we're the fat ones.

B: I don't think any of you are fat. You are like the skinniest band I've ever seen.

C: Eben and I are fat and we work out all the time.

E: yeah me and chris have been pudging up lately.

T: and Bryan lives with his parents.

B: um?ñthanks for adding that one. So what would your perfect society be?

C: everyone's vegan and somehow they create a way for me to go on tour but have my girlfriend not miss me that much. So when I leave she's not too sad and when I come back she's still just as happy but she doesn't get that sad when I go. That's perfect society. Someone will create it.

T: chris built his girlfriend in his shed. They have a great relationship but I just thought I'd point that out.

E: I mean they do have a great relationship but sometimes the biggest impediment is that she has a garbage can for a head.

T: actually chris has gone out with several inanimate objects.

E: one of which being my sock and I want it back chris, very badly.

T: I don't think you want it back Eben.

C: you'll never get it back.

B: do you like socks?

E: I like them when they're not sweaty. I like them when they're not on Dave's feet.

T: yeah seriously. I like new socks.

C: Dave has the worst smelling feet ever.

E: Dave may be the prettiest one, but you would not believe the smells that Dave gives off.

C: yeah and Bryan's feet sometimes smell like a dead horse.

B: [to Eben] oh wait you didn't answer the question. What's your perfect society?

E: my perfect society has lots of free food and video games. And the only thing you really have to do is eat food and play video games.

B: but not pokemon.

E: there might be a couple pokemon here and there.

B: I thought you said the pokemon game was bad?

E: you know what? I don't have any problems with the pokemon game. Don't misrepresent me.

B: maybe you should get the yellow version.

E: what's the difference?

B: if I knew...

C: I'm hungry.

T: hey, wait don't I get to tell what my perfect society is?

B: oh yeah! Sorry.

T: in my perfect society all women are built in chris's garage. Because he's a talented boy. And I just want to see the world give him his fare shot. You know, because he's just unappreciated.

E: I'm sure Chris and neutron 1 will be very happy in their life together, so lets not knock it. Ok? Even if when he hugs her he often gets poked by a broom handle.

C: ala is not a robot.

T: no we didn't say she was a robot.

E: no one said she was a robot.

T: you never built circuits for her. she doesn't have a main frame.

E: don't get defensive about it chris. I don't wanna have the old ala is not a robot conversation.

C: holy shit.

E: that one's been done to death.

C: shut the fuck up.

E: I'm not giving you anymore energizer batteries.

T: [in bad english accent] hello gentlemen. I propose we solve this problem with a race around the world in a hot air balloon.

C: what the fuck are you talking about? Honestly, you guys need to settle down.

E: aren't we having a good time?

T: its been a long day.

E: hey chris, you're my friend right?

B: ok what do you bowl?

C: 120

E: not very well is how I bowl.

B: do you have a number?

T: 60, Eben bowls 60.

E: 100

T: I probably bowl about 70. I'm a pro.

B: ok last one. What is one thing you'd like to say to the youth of america?

C: rock n' roll in the booty hole.

E: I'd like to say keep it real up in the feel. Aight?

T: I'd like to sent a shout out to all those crazy mothafuckas in parts of the world I ain't never been before. I'd also like to send a shout out to the army, navy, air force, and marines for playing our music on boats and submarines. And I'd also like to send a shout out to eskimos and old school teachers. And what's them guys? Outkast.

C: Outkast

E: what's them guys? Fastbreak.

B: alright. The end.

C: sorry to be so rambling, these guys are out of control.